Third time the charm?

I had really good feeling about this one, it is not everything I want but it is as good as it get. For now, I am more then enough of feeling good, I am feeling bless. At last, something really good gonna happen to me after all these mess happen to me. 

It is true that,things happen for a reason, at the end of all this, I learn that Love is hard to come by, and it is precious, and finally get the idea of why people keep falling love, searching for love, and stay in love, it is feeling that make you felt so good about yourself, not mentioning, there will be someone waiting your at home, what could be better then this. 

But, for now, I am satisfy with just him, and him alone.  

After effect and then I am back to me again.

Rejection, I should had been used to it already, apparently I am not. Yesterday, was one of those day that I shall forever engrave in my wall of 'Remember This Day'. Ordeal and hardship, nothing new to me, just a matter how often I experience that, well, it is as if you had it often enough, you'll get rusty and when it hit you, it will hit you hard, and you'll felt it harder, life's s bitch. At this point, nothing really matter to me, I don't want to get hurt as bad as it, so, I come up with this solution, that is seal my emotion away, that should help me lot when facing the rest of the world face to face. Maybe,that should do it.

Alone is really a scary feeling, walk alone, eat alone, die alone, but, it might turn out to be find once I really get and settle with the fact of alone, I mean it would be extremely bored, but I could get a lot of stuff done and I can always get stuff to replace the emptiness, problem solve then. All the negativeness is making me ugly, so for the sake of begin great again, I'll concentrate at taking care of myself, the outer part matter the most anyway.

I will look perfectly fine in no time, once I shifted all my attention to just me, that will do me good.

The second time around, still hurt a lot

I thought I had teach myself the act of not be wanted, as it turn out, I still need a lot work at the area.

Why, is the question I need to ask. Why is it whenever I had strong feeling toward that person, they also respond negatively to me.

Conclusion drawn here, I am not to be loved by people I loved, fair? Maybe. I accept everything and everything that comes, ha...ha... , if God say so, so be it then.

I will get used to be alone sooner or later, no worry there.

What are the rest of me want?

What more can I ask myself for at this moment. A lot, hell ya!

I want more of everything, call greedy but, what wrong with that, after all those years of envy and jealousy that I endure, its time for me to something to calm all those urges. I couldn't keep up with those feeling of wanting more of everything, I am tired of having to fight everything and everything around me, it is making me tired and stressed all the time, it is not the way I should live my life as. 

All those cravings are now lean toward material, which in my case would be a great thing, why? Because I am emotionally incapable, aren't that obvious. Connecting with other people is hard and complex, plus, don't forget the fact that I change my prospective toward human relationship change all the time, for better or worst, that is never a good thing of me, always had to define the thing around me, so that everything had its status and way to approaching it, my way of cause. 

It is rather sad to say, but I loved having thing, it might not necessary define me or thing that I actually need, but having those stuff with, kinda proof that I do exist in this space , at this moment, sad, I know, that is what happen when you felt that you're always alone, doing everything alone, alone with yourself, pathetic, and yes, I choose it, so I gonna live with my choice, for that I pay the price. Though, question might arise as why don't I just pull myself out of the hole I am in, well, simple, where am I to do from there, and how? That all make sense when you're not alone. Which in my case, well, you do the math then. 

Lately, I try to stay focus on work rather then taking of myself, the result of that, I am sick from inside to the outside, guess that plan doesn't do any good to me. 

Getting over it

I'm reminding myself of not fall into that path, many many times, which is very fortune that I managed to stay that way. Seeking for that thing is rather agony at many levels, what I find was that happiness would be compromise in that process. I might end up being alone, that is a certainty that I am sure of, but can be change is that I am happy throughout the process, what can't be change is the fact that I am who I am.

Loneliness is hard to cope, I will eventually succumb to it, what prevail from all this ruckus, is that I stay true to myself. Honesty is what I can offer to myself, that is the only thing I can offer anyway. Coming from that story, which started and ended with nothing to give and to gain, rather pathetic to be the less, what is the expectation had been clear all from the start, separately, on one side, craving for the other one is as strong as anyone could summarize, however wonderful it may seen at first , the ending was a whole different story to tell. Again, the same lesson had been taught, I should had never wish for more, instead hope for less, and this appear to be a much logical approach.

Putting aside everything and anything, the outcome of everything and anything is always a different tales to tell from what we expect it to be. A conclusion from all this, I gain many thing, feeling that I never had before, craving that doesn't seem logical to me before had now make a perfect sense to me, what is it like to fall in love for the first time; the only loss was, nothing had started and ended with nothing.

For this, I remove my attention from love to myself, I promise to not stray from looking after myself, I am so vulnerable inside that anymore of this will ultimately crash me into pieces, love is a very dangerous thing to me, had I become immune to it? Don't think so.  

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