The end of 2012

I know , I know, year end is , well, a few days from now. Yap, things happen and I became someone else, literately. Ups and downs , highs and lows, and goods and bad, I figure things out, and about to go on live as someone else from next year. No plans, no ideas but I know what I want, and I know where to go.

Hopes and dreams for next year? Nothing to expect, I just going to focus on living the live I wanted. Gain the confidence that I used to have back.  

The after math

I am ok now. Like for real, give up a few things, let go some stuff and here I am, relief .

Should have done that a long time ago, but hey, when you in that state, can you even do anything else than want to hang on to everything you have, it felt like the world ended for you.

Come back to the question, do you have faith in love? My answer would be, why not? However it probably have to take a long time to find someone that I like and would love me back, chances are slim as a piece of cheese slice, for that I think making friend is much better approach.

Until that day happen, I would gladly die the day after that. Haha!! For real. 

I am back again... this time I hurt much deeper

Life is a bitch to me.

Always the 'why' questions, I am tired if nothing else. What is my next step. I always had the next step, this time around I am lost with no direction at all.

Should I cried, again? more? What else can that do? Nothing at all, still sad and hurt after that.

I pause , all my passions, well, it is not important any more, does it matter? I lost and I loss, what is more important now is that I am on a tight schedule here, I need carry out my plan fast, before I couldn't do it .

Putting up a poker face in front of everyone is hard, but I must continue, so fake of me right, what can I do? I need to make everyone think I am fine when I am never going to be fine.

So stupid right? I still can't hate him even if I want to.

Update:
Cancel all my plans, it is so stupid to continue what I want to achieve while him had already move on and move out of the love we once both cherish so much. Imagine how naive of me and somewhat selfish of him. It is not meant to be, thus it shall end. I shall begin to live my life, on my term and on my own. Directions and goals? That is a discovery that I shall embark on.   

Third time the charm?

I had really good feeling about this one, it is not everything I want but it is as good as it get. For now, I am more then enough of feeling good, I am feeling bless. At last, something really good gonna happen to me after all these mess happen to me. 

It is true that,things happen for a reason, at the end of all this, I learn that Love is hard to come by, and it is precious, and finally get the idea of why people keep falling love, searching for love, and stay in love, it is feeling that make you felt so good about yourself, not mentioning, there will be someone waiting your at home, what could be better then this. 

But, for now, I am satisfy with just him, and him alone.  

After effect and then I am back to me again.

Rejection, I should had been used to it already, apparently I am not. Yesterday, was one of those day that I shall forever engrave in my wall of 'Remember This Day'. Ordeal and hardship, nothing new to me, just a matter how often I experience that, well, it is as if you had it often enough, you'll get rusty and when it hit you, it will hit you hard, and you'll felt it harder, life's s bitch. At this point, nothing really matter to me, I don't want to get hurt as bad as it, so, I come up with this solution, that is seal my emotion away, that should help me lot when facing the rest of the world face to face. Maybe,that should do it.

Alone is really a scary feeling, walk alone, eat alone, die alone, but, it might turn out to be find once I really get and settle with the fact of alone, I mean it would be extremely bored, but I could get a lot of stuff done and I can always get stuff to replace the emptiness, problem solve then. All the negativeness is making me ugly, so for the sake of begin great again, I'll concentrate at taking care of myself, the outer part matter the most anyway.

I will look perfectly fine in no time, once I shifted all my attention to just me, that will do me good.

The second time around, still hurt a lot

I thought I had teach myself the act of not be wanted, as it turn out, I still need a lot work at the area.

Why, is the question I need to ask. Why is it whenever I had strong feeling toward that person, they also respond negatively to me.

Conclusion drawn here, I am not to be loved by people I loved, fair? Maybe. I accept everything and everything that comes, ha...ha... , if God say so, so be it then.

I will get used to be alone sooner or later, no worry there.

What are the rest of me want?

What more can I ask myself for at this moment. A lot, hell ya!

I want more of everything, call greedy but, what wrong with that, after all those years of envy and jealousy that I endure, its time for me to something to calm all those urges. I couldn't keep up with those feeling of wanting more of everything, I am tired of having to fight everything and everything around me, it is making me tired and stressed all the time, it is not the way I should live my life as. 

All those cravings are now lean toward material, which in my case would be a great thing, why? Because I am emotionally incapable, aren't that obvious. Connecting with other people is hard and complex, plus, don't forget the fact that I change my prospective toward human relationship change all the time, for better or worst, that is never a good thing of me, always had to define the thing around me, so that everything had its status and way to approaching it, my way of cause. 

It is rather sad to say, but I loved having thing, it might not necessary define me or thing that I actually need, but having those stuff with, kinda proof that I do exist in this space , at this moment, sad, I know, that is what happen when you felt that you're always alone, doing everything alone, alone with yourself, pathetic, and yes, I choose it, so I gonna live with my choice, for that I pay the price. Though, question might arise as why don't I just pull myself out of the hole I am in, well, simple, where am I to do from there, and how? That all make sense when you're not alone. Which in my case, well, you do the math then. 

Lately, I try to stay focus on work rather then taking of myself, the result of that, I am sick from inside to the outside, guess that plan doesn't do any good to me.